FORGIVENESS

It wasn’t but after a few minutes after an alligator the size of an outboard motorboat tore off Don Goodman’s arm that he began to feel a curious pain. As he waited for an ambulance, the bloody stump above his now missing elbow didn’t hurt much. Instead he felt a burning pain in his right hand, which was of course inside the 11ft (3.4m) alligator, a monster he and he and his staff at Kanapha Botanical gardens in Gainesville, Fla., had named Mojo. “ I could feel every finger of the hand that had served me for 59 years and which now lay in the belly of an alligator 200 yards away  and they all hurt” [sic]

The medical term for this is phantom limb pain. The power of the mind is clearly exhibited here. The limb no longer existed but the mind sent pain messages and the body felt them

This article got me thinking about pain, not the gruesome physical pain that the narrator experienced but more of emotional wounds that flare up from the depths of hell to give us sleepless nights and never ending relapses back into the past, back to something or someone that happened in your life that left you with scars so deep. They left but their memory lives on and on and on and on.

My own experience came due to my first major break up, when I broke up with my first love; worst kind of break up, mind you. Things ended so abruptly and selfishly on her part without a goodbye or a reason why. The first days were probably the hardest. When a man loves a woman still remains the most definitive song for this stage in my life. I lost, for lack of a better phrase, my reason for living. We all imagine that some things are forever but sometimes sh#t happens! I went through the phase of hating all girls and thus was aloof to any form of relationships (read: I would run away) I went through the relapse stage of thinking that things could be different if we just tried again and I did though it was like reading a book that I had already read, I already knew the ending. This was after advice from phela,c.j Stacy and so many other people I know. Down again I crashed into the dungeons of oblivion though she wasn’t even around and in another town.’ Women are trouble and stable relationships are for horses’ became some of my favourite phrases as according to Stacy, “I became mean!” and I loved listening to addicted (heartbreaker)  

The one thing I wasn’t willing to do was the one thing which would help me move on; forgive. It was easier said than done though. For a while that was the last thing on my mind and hate is a strong word but I really really didn’t like her. This was till I learnt the true meaning of forgiveness; it’s more of releasing myself from pain than releasing her from responsibility. Being mature enough to forgive the person but not being foolish enough to trust them again is what growing up is about. Don’t let yourself be hurt by someone else’s idiocy and inconsiderate nature

There is this girl who was abused by her dad earlier on when she was small. She went without supper more than once not that there was no food and the girl needs to be disciplined. Her mom cried herself to sleep for her little baby but her dad would hear none of it. Any small mistake would warranted a beating. The marks on her back faded away but she still feels them when she’s by herself in her room. She would never wear a bikini lest someone even suspect seeing lines across her back caused by the long wire her dad would lash her with. She can still hear him shouting at her hurling abuses from here to hell. She’s all grown up but she and her daddy really don’t talk anymore. The old man is still as adamant as ever and she doubts that she will ever hear the word apology from his lips. She still sometimes cries herself to sleep but for those who don’t know her she’s the jolly pal who lights up everywhere she goes with her smile and radiating inward and outward beauty. She’s had boyfriends more than once but just to fit in. she’s never really found one she can trust. It may be more like she’s never found someone that she wants to trust. The self-protect mechanism that kicked in after her childhood is still as active and protects her heart even more. Many of us would ask if he is worthy of her forgiveness but I ask does she deserve to live without that forgiveness, to be haunted at night by the shadows. She may perhaps never really find that trust again to give to a man and end up happily married but always has that extra bank account on the side and piece of land somewhere so that in case times get tough, she gets going because she will never again stay in a place that makes her feel unwanted. A small shout from her husband may send torrents of tears upon her visage and a stream of raw emotions resurfacing because her father would shout at her before hitting her; déjàvu-the kind that scares away demons. he will still remain who he is but she shouldn’t be defined by her past but rather learn from it and decide on what to write in her book; the story that is her life!

We may be living in the past just with the same script different cast. It’s   just a thought but facing your demons and letting go of the grudges held since time immemorial might give us the solace and peace that we need for a blissful and contented life.